Click the Rambling you wish to read

    First off, if you don't want this email, just reply with "Remove" on the subject line and I'll not include you in future e-mails, and I promise not to be offended.  I probably wouldn't want it myself.

    Secondly, since I consider you all to be the closest of my friends, I'll start by listing each of you with a short introduction.
 

Leeann Kirby - One of my oldest friends.  We have been buddies for over 10 years and she knows more about me than anybody else.  We have accumulated many hilarious stories over the years, but most of them can't be repeated.  The only person I know whom at one time took great pride in the nickname "The Crazy Bitch".  A firecracker with a heart of gold

Kevin and Kristi Slaughter - Kristi and I have been friends for something like 13 years!  I consider her to be the closest thing to a sister that I'll ever have.  Kevin and I have been friends for around 7 years.  He was kindly enough to let me move in when he bought a house and we lived together for a couple years.  All of you know that I'm not exactally a great house keeper, but Kevin put up with me without yelling or screaming at me and I know that it must have taken extreme amounts of self control.  Kevin, you will always be "The Man".  Our friendship survived that so I expect it will last many years to come.  When the Kevin and Kristi finally got together, I was really glad to see how happy they made one another.

Vanessa Perrson - "Vanessa from Blue Rapture" A wonderful friend who obviously is willing to stick by me through bad girlfriends.  She took some abuse from S**** and didn't beat her to a bloody pulp like she probably should have.  She did get some retribution after our first breakup by singing "He had a headache but now she's gone" for me.  I think all future girlfriends will be subject to her approval.  She has an amazing voice that can send chills down your spine or make your heart jump for joy.

Anthony Reece - A co-worker at Electrolux.  My partner in crime at work.  We have a tendency to annoy people when we get together, but we believe we are the funniest people on earth.  No one is immune to our mocking.

Chris Slaughter - (A.K.A. Ugly Ugly, A.K.A. Grandpa Spice) Brother to my good friend Kevin.  Chris has a sense of humor that is a little skewed.  Slightly off center so to speak.  I appreciate that.  Chris has adopted a couple gray hounds that were bred for racing and later retired.  Once gray hounds are retired, if nobody adopts them, they are destroyed.  Personally, I feel this is sickening and I intend to adopt one myself when I finally settle into a house.  I've only met one of his dogs and her name is Magic.  She is very loving and so graceful that I get mesmerized when watching her run and play.  I keep promising to go visit Chris in Massachusetts and one day I'll make good on it!

Debbie Whited - She lives down the hill from me and listens to my constant bitching.  Besides being a glutton for punishment, Debbie is the photography whiz who tells me everything I consistently do wrong with a camera.  She teaches a class now and I should probably take it, but I won't.

Marty Hicks - She really didn't like me at first because a foot-in-mouth incident.  I know none of you guys can imagine me putting my foot in my mouth, but in this case I got it up to the knee.  She also gave me an old rocking chair that I love and would love more if I could get the seat fixed.

Shawna Morrison - I was friends with her brother in high school and never new he had a sister or another brother.  Recently I re-established contact with her.  It had been a year and a half since we last spoke and I've missed her tremendously.  It was nice to hear from her again.  She has the cutest prairie dog named Maggie.  If you've never heard a prairie dog bark, it sounds something like the Pillsbury Doughboy with asthma.  That's the best I can explain it, but it's still cute.

Lightnin' Charlie, Beth and Lucy - Great friends who I don't see nearly enough of.  I've traveled many miles and seen many cities with Charlie and his band.  I never knew the blues could be happy until I saw them.  I've known Charlie and Beth for 6 or 7 years now and they are expecting their first child.  I remember their wedding like it was yesterday.  I helped him put his cufflinks on while driving to the chapel.  I'm sure it was an interesting site to the people we passed.  Beth is the sweetest.  She always has an infectious smile that lets you know she is truly happy to see you.  Lucy is their cat who has adopted me as an uncle and is quite a music critic.

Lisa Milburn - A close friend in Nashville who lets me stay at her home when I'm in town.  She is a friend of The Floating Men and Jeff Black.  Lisa was responsible for organizing and planning The Floating Men's 10-year anniversary celebration and did an excellent job.  She's "Good People".

Pat Corcoran - My pickin' buddy!  Pat didn't hire me at the first time I interviewed at Electrolux because my hair was too short.  He didn't know that I had just cut all my hair off the night before the interview.  Later we realized that we had many of the same musical interests.  I was teaching myself guitar at the time and would take it to work with me on the weekends.  Pretty soon we were getting together to play and listen to each other's CDs.  He taught me more about playing guitar than anybody else and I'm still learning.

Cindy Wright - Cousin to my very good friend, who is also Kevin's wife, Kristi Slaughter.  I met Cindy many years ago while working tobacco with her family and then ran into her at various times over the years.  She has an infectious laugh and is lots of fun to hang out with.

Lori LaClaire - Another co-worker at Electrolux.  Lori is a mixture of attitude and heart.  She likes to show the attitude and if you don't like it, that's just tough.  A trustworthy friend I've known for a couple years now, even if she does listen to Morrisey and the Cure.

Brandy Hicks - I met Brandy over the internet and she has become something of a sarcastic verbal sparing partner.  She attempts to keep my ego in check and that's not easy.  The more she tries to knock me off my pedestal, the more fun I have.  She tries hard to prove me wrong, but has only proven me "unsure" so far.

Michelle Hayter ? - Good ole Michelle!  Tough on the outside but soft on the inside.  She really does have a heart, no matter what she says.  She got married recently and I wish her all the happiness she can stand.  She's also the biggest NASCAR fan in Richmond.  No, really!

Jeff and Maria Pruitt - Jeff has been my cousin since I was born and is really one of the few normal people I'm related to.  Which is pretty sad, since he ain't very normal himself.  We all know how them Floridians are.  He and his wife Maria are now parents and thank God the baby looks like the mother!  Congradulations, try not to warp the kid from the start!

    I just noticed all the animals my friends and I have.  Chris has Magic and another whose name I can't remember, Kevin has a Dalmatian named Dallas, Michelle has a dog named Bean, Vanessa has a dog, cat, hamster and fish, Leeann has a couple cats (she had a fish until the cat's found out), Marty has a couple dotsun.. dautshan.. douchan... Wiener dogs, Debbie had a dog that she gave up for adoption to her mother, Brandy has "5 cocker spaniels and way too many cats", Cindy has a dog and I have Conway.  We are such loving people, at least toward our furry and/or scaly friends.

    Everyone say hello!  These are my friends and I've always felt that a person's friends are a direct reflection of themselves.  You can't pick your relatives, but you do pick your friends.  I'm honored.

    Update on where I've been and why most of you haven't seen me in forever and a year.  Well, besides spending way too much time at work, I spent the majority of last year in jail.  OK, I wasn't actually in jail.  S-A-T-A-N, 5 letters starting with an S.  The other, also 5 letters beginning with an S.  That's all the proof I need, so lets not confuse things by digging further.  Kinda makes my title of "Cold Heartless Bastard" a little less stinging.  I guess it would be wrong to say that we didn't have any good times, but in the end, it just wasn't right.  For the record, I guess the title of Cold Heartless Bastard was a little more fitting.

    In March of this year I ended this relationship.  I immediately exercised my freedom with a trip to Nashville to see Jeff Black play a show.  I stopped along the way to pick up my buddy Pat.  Had a blast!  Went back to Nashville to celebrate my 30th birthday in May.  It was a lucky coincidence that the Floating Men happened to be playing on my Birthday.  Lisa and the Men made it a very special night for me.  They also embarrassed the hell out of me too, but I lived.

    Since then, I've been back to Nashville and I've been to Chattanooga.  I'm currently planning another trip to Nashville to see Jeff Black play again.  Obviously, I like Nashville.  I did get to go see Nine Inch Nails and A Perfect Circle with Leeann and some guy who was rather smitten with her.  Sorry Kirby, I had to take a little jab there.  While at that show, I ran into Debbie, Jennifer and Marty.  Later, I went to see Matchbox 20 and The Jayhawks with Debbie and Jennifer.  The Labor Day celebration with The Floating Men and Jeff Black (in Nashville again) was loads of fun.  I don't remember much about that Friday night, but I do remember tequila shots with Mr. Black.  Jeff Black and his wife Kissy (and yes that is her real given name) are a couple of the sweetest people I've ever met.

    My last trip to Nashville also had me falling victim to The Discovery Channel Store.  I found it by accident in a mall and I knew I was doomed.  I'll not go into how much I spent.  It was bad.  Real bad.  It's probably best that it's 4 and half-hours from my house to that store, but Marty has informed me that there in one in Winston-Salem.  Information that I was glad to have, but I probably shouldn't.  Thanks Marty.

    This past week, I received a copy of a book of poetry with one of my poems published in it.  This is the first time I have ever been officially published and I am pretty excited about that.  A new one is supposed to come out in December that will have four of my poems in it.  I've had something of a creative dry spell for the last year or so, and I'm trying to rekindle it.  I get the feeling that writing this newsletter is an extension of that same creative urge.

    The last few weeks have been spent helping Anthony lay tile in the house he is building.  Never hurts to learn a new trade.  I enjoy doing manual labor when it isn't actually required of me (I'm such a rebel), so this has been a lot of fun.  Besides, Anthony doesn't complain too much about the music that I put on while we are working.

    On the down side, I had four acquaintences die within the span of one month.  My uncle Cecil and my old friend Roger Minton Jr. were the closest to me of the four, and that was a slight shock to the system.

    That's about it!  I don't doubt that many of you stopped reading some time back.  I never claimed to lead an overly exciting life, but this should bring everyone up to date.  So with that out of the way, the next letter will be a little more focused on the present and probably MUCH shorter!  Maybe I could just tell embarrassing snippets about everyone!  Who knows?  Planning any of this out would kinda kill the spontaneity of it.  I open to any suggestions most of you may have, so feel free to send them in.  You guys may find something interesting that I would never have thought of.

    Is it a coincidence that hurricane Keith blew through and now I'm blowing a lot of air?  Maybe the hurricane was a precursor to something much worse! I think Debbie is jealous because she just rated a tropical storm.  Unfortunately I missed most of hurricane Keith.  I could have gotten real drunk to the weather channel with that going on!  How often do you have an excuse for that?

    At the end of each newsletter, I want to include a question and answer session, so send in your questions and I'll probably include them in the next letter.  I'm open to almost any question, so try me.  And try to make them interesting, cause I expect this to be adapted for a feature film in a couple years.  I'm gonna get Cuba Gooding Jr. to play me, so you gotta pick someone else to play you.

    As always, certain portions will be edited from the version archived to my website, which is located at http://www.kefields.com/randramb.html

    Well, I receive much positive feedback on the first one, so here I am again.  Now that everyone knows everyone else, I'm gonna focus more on ranting, raving and rambling.

    Anybody want to travel north?  I heard that this year and next year, the northern lights will be exceptionally active.  I've always wanted to go see them, but Canada is a little far for a weekend trip.  I was thinking about this the other day and at that moment, they started talking about it on the Discovery Channel.  I think it's a sign.
 I was a little sleepy the other day, since I was on the phone with Marty until 3:30am!  I took a couple hours off the next morning to sleep in, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  She has already threatened me, so I guess I shouldn't tell any embarrassing stories about her.  Oh, what the hell?  She was once talked into going out with Scott Fisher and has yet to get over the resulting nightmares.  If you don't know who Scott Fisher is, he used to be a local news anchor.  A real prick.  Sorry Marty, I couldn't pass it up.  You know I love ya!  Stop laughing Debbie or I'll elaborate on your hair dying experience!

    I watched "Meet Joe Black" the other night and was wondering, could Death conceive a child?  What would happen if you made the kid mad?  "Sorry Billy, but you failed yesterday's qui..  My....  Heart....  ".  What would a parent/teacher conference be like?  "Sir, would you like to take off your cloak and pull up a chai...Oh my God!"  Or as a soccer parent!  In any case, I loved the movie and I've been taking loads of criticism from Marty over it.

    In other ramblings, I'm starting my own religion.  I'm calling it Tao-Methodism.  The goal is to apply the basic Christian teachings, supplementing them with the Taoist philosophy.  We are all familiar with the teachings of the Christian religion.  You have God, Jesus, the cross, salvation, etc...  The Taoist philosophy is applied as a way to conduct ourselves within the guidelines put forth by the teachings of Christ.  My interpretation of the Taoist philosophy is that you model yourself after nature and keep life simple.  Trees that bend do not break as easily as trees that do not bend.  Clear the clutter from your life and empty out what is not necessary and what hinders your growth as a person.  Molded clay is fashioned into a vessel, but the usefulness of the vessel depends on the empty inner center.  Same thing for houses.  All together now "Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm...".  Please don't confuse Tao-Methodism with Tao-Masochism!  That's just a hobby and not really a belief system.  "Ohmmmwhipmehardmistress..."
That's enough of the deep thought for now.  My head is hurting.

    After the last newsletter, I received several notes from various people and have included a few snippets here.   I've done this to properly address and clear any misconceptions. I've included my initials by my comments.

This is a note from my dear Floridian cousin, Jeff.  For better or worse, this is what's included in my bloodline.

Dear ramble guy,
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the incandescent little page that you have sent to my humble abode.  (kef: You're welcome.)  I, too, would like to say, a few words about the life and times of our clan.  (kef: He has never said a few words about anything.)  It seems to me that certain aspects of our life and times have been neglected, and to my "apparent dismay" they asked if they could come out and play......So here they are:

First of all if you do recall it was I the "out of town guy" that brought in the breath of fresh air to your not quite mature music tastes.
kef: Not entirely true, by this point I was already well acquainted with the Replacements, Social Distortion and many other bands who were alternative before it became a section in Tower Records.  Credit where credit is due, Jeff did, in fact introduce me to Nine Inch Nails, but at the same time, he also introduced me to The Information Society.  So everything is not as rosy as he would have everyone believe.

No I did not do terrible things to ... live stock (mainly chickens),
kef: Livestock, family, sometimes the difference is negligible.  In either case, I was not involved.

No I did not try chewing tobacco at the age of 10,
kef: Me either, I was 8 and I gave it up approx. 3 minutes after trying it, never to return.

No I did not wreck 15,000 cars within a 5 year period.
kef: Uhh... No comment.

But I know who did!
kef: You make it sound like one person was responsible for all this.  I recall several different people being involved.  One such person being a Florida boy with a love for Nine Inch Nails and The Information Society.

Cloves. Enough said.
kef: Yes, he is indeed the one responsible for this nasty habit, and I'll not tell everyone how he tricked me into smoking one.  Ok, maybe I will.  I was down visiting my beloved kinfolk and one night while searching for ways to entertain ourselves, he had a desire to go to a strip club.  I was 20 at the time and we were both under the impression that 21 was the minimum age required for entry.  So he has the bright idea that I should take his I.D. and present it to the doorman, since they never really look at it.  In the event that he does look at the I.D., I am to blow clove smoke, so his eyes will water and he'll give up and just let me in.  Jeff will then follow and enter the club with his military I.D.  Well, upon entering the fine establishment, I found that the doorman was behind a glass shield, thus foiling the smoke-blowing plan.  Not only did he look closely at the I.D., he also asked me to sign my name to match what was on the I.D.  Suffice it to say I did not get in, I was threatened with arrest and unceremoniously shown the street.

When you decided to take this opportunity to write a few ramblings down to share with others did you take in to consideration the amplitude of your actions?  I mean, really, did you intend to let everyone know that I existed..... Do you really want that. Well what's done is done. You can not take that back now and after all.....blood is thicker than piss. Isn't it?
kef: Of course I thought this out, I'm not one to just say something without thinking!  Quiet Marty!  I feel that it is necessary to display the things I'm proud of as well as the things I'm ashamed of, in order to give an accurate presentation of myself.

And to end on a sentimental note, my daughter looks nothing like my wife, and she is already doomed to a life of noncompliance with the norm.  After all that is why you and I are the only two of our immediates that are here and not somewhere else. Think about it. O.K. that's enough.
kef: A depressing thought, but the noncompliance thing provides us all some hope.  Actually, we are not the only two here, if in fact you are referring to having access to the internet as "here".

kef: Warning, Shameless promo ahead!!
I and my friends, Rod (kef: Hey Rod, how you been?) and Rob, have just started a multimedia group, Phat Dodo, and the page will be up in a few months. Twisted, warp, and what in the hell are a few good descriptives. We will be dealing in webdesign, Animation, Videography, and other entertainments. I will keep you posted.
 

From Lightnin' Charlie we hear:

You, my friend, are a nutcase.  Kudos from Lucy, too. I read her your e-mail and she gave her most sincere approval by licking her butt and puking up a good-sized hairball. From the mouths of babes comes perfect praise.
kef: Lucy's approval is highly sought after in many artistic circles.  I'm flattered to achieve such a high rating.

Leeann had this to say:

It was a very nice starter kit.  This way everyone will have a little background info on each other when they finally meet (someplace like your wedding or funeral or wedding/funeral if you decide to go back with Satan.)
kef: That's just plain mean!  I can't believe you would be so callous as to suggest my return to S****!

Anthony replied with the simple:

So if this newsletter is referred to as hurricane "Keith " does that mean your next rambling will be a "topical" depression?
kef: Good point,  I like it, but I'll save it for another issue that better fits.

    To follow up on the Random Ramblings movie, in which Cuba Gooding Jr. will be playing yours truly, I've received a couple selections for which actors people want to play them.  Note, if you do not send me your selections, I will choose for you and you probably will not like it.

Vanessa Perrson has selected Sarah Michelle Geller to pay her role.
Debbie Whited has selected Julia Roberts.
Obviously, realism isn't a factor, so go for it.

    I'm still waiting for questions, so I've included the following section in lieu.
Ok, time to rant!  I was reading a newsletter the other day with a section where some redneck was raising hell about flying the confederate flag over some state capital.  I must say first that I am proud to be from the south.  Born and raised in the south with grits, hog-jowls, Jesus, Grandpa Jones, Charlie and Jack Daniels and Hank and Tennessee Williams.  Do I have a confederate flag in the back of my pick-up?  Hell no!  If I did, I would fly it upside down to show dissent, but you can't even tell which end is up and I doubt that was an honest mistake! To me, that flag is a symbol of being a loser.  Our southern predecessors stepped out of line and got their collective asses handed to them on a platter! I hear all this shit about "It's our heritage and we're proud".  Or even better is the "I'm a Rebel".  Ok, so identifying yourself with a group of people (basically the purpose of a flag, isn't it?) displays your rebelliousness in what way?  You are not a Rebel, you are a sheep.  Bah, bah, asshole.  And how can someone claim that this little 5-year span of time, that occurred over a hundred years ago, is an integral part of his or her heritage?  And if you are in that much of a tizzy about states rights, why don't you hang your state flag on the front porch?  I'm not even going into the whole racism thing.  The soul has no color and I don't know anybody with a pure bloodline.  If you have any real argument to demonstrate a preference of one race over another, let me know.

    Now I'm not exactly a huge fan of the north either!  I traveled up to Massachusetts with Kevin a few years back and we caught some crap because of my southern accents. They assumed that we were uneducated hicks, based entirely on the sound of our voices. One bar gave us free beer, just to hear us order. Who got screwed on that deal?  Basically, ain't none of us perfect on either side. In any case, southerners, take down that loser flag that does nothing but enflame a tired-assed argument.  Can I get an AMEN?
Now if you don't send me questions, I'll be forced to rant on something else next week!  Argh!

    On a lighter note, Vanessa and the boys (A.K.A. Blue Rapture) were graced with my presence Friday night!  I was pretty tired, but my need to spread joy to those around me, led me to their show.  Nothing better than a night of good music and touch screen bar games!  Saturday was spent painting my parents' house.  If it isn't one thing it's another.  You would think that I would at least wait until Anthony has finished with the tile!  Hopefully, Anthony did finish the tile this weekend and he will be able to take a much deserved break.  I'm very excited about our pending trip to Nashville.  I hate that Pat is not going to be able to join us, but we are looking forward to a jam session this coming weekend.  Maybe a couple of Bristol's finest will show up at my door again!

Thanks for reading, take care,
Keith

    As always, certain portions will be edited from the version archived to my website, which is located at http://www.kefields.com/randramb.html

    I think you all will be please to know that I don't have 50 million things to moan and groan about this time!  This should be much shorter than the prior two were.

    So far, the movie cast is sounding pretty cool!  Your picks are turning out to be much better than I would have made!
Here is the lineup so far:
Cuba Gooding Jr. will be playing me.
Vanessa has selected Sarah Michelle Geller to play her role.
Debbie Whited has selected Julia Roberts.
Kevin "Hammer" Slaughter has chosen Sam Elliott.
Kristi Slaughter had given the nod to Brooke Shields for her role.
Lisa Milburn decided on Cameron Manheim (The Practice). "Other than her 7000 earrings, I get told that I look like her all the time."
Charlie chooses: "Either Peter Sellers or John Holmes. But shot only from the waist-up!" Ok, I think we could swing Peter Sellers.
Brandy has decided to have Helen Hunt play her role.  "There really is no particular reason except that I know I wouldn't want the decision left to you."
Good idea, Brandy, you made the smart move.

    This weekend was quite exciting!  No tile laying and no house painting!  I had a wonderful time Friday night with a good friend and Saturday night with Vanessa and Blue Rapture.  This past week I started the final stretch of my latest project at work.  I installed my newest creation on a couple computers and I'll wait for their approval before moving on.  It's a big deal, because I've spent over three months on this crap!  Other than that, I've pretty much spent the week cleaning the "comfortable nesting area".  It was becoming a little uncomfortable and cluttered.

Here are a few replies to the prior newsletter:
Leeann replied with:

"I have nothing earth shattering to discuss right now.  Hell my biggest problems are that my new tattoo hurts and sometimes I get piped over the fact that liquor is so expensive and can't be drank at work but hey.."  Leann also commented on the length of the prior two newsletters with the poetic "Hey, you talk a lot, motherfucker!"
kef: Leave it to my friends to lay things out as bluntly as possible!  I feel the love!

Shawna wrote in:

"Maggie says "Yee hee!!!!!"  She rearranged her bedding today for no apparent reason and it was soooo cute.  And she does *not* sound like the Pillsbury Dough Boy with asthma.  I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read "YOU!  Out of the gene pool!" (Today's subject line made me think of that.)"
kef: What can I say?  I'm a trendsetter!

Debbie stated:

"Ok, I just reread it and I couldn't let this one go... 'clear the clutter from your life...' have you looked around."
kef: First, you must determine what constitutes clutter and what is simply a "comfortable nesting area".

Lisa wrote in with:

"My first thought when I read it was "ah, our dear, sweet Keith.  Only he could be so arrogant to think that we would want a newsletter about him.  It's so arrogant that it's not arrogant - it's just Keith!  Tao-Methodism: Cleaning up the clutter in my life . . . hmmmm . . . does this also mean that I have to clean up my apartment?  If so, I'll have to give it a little more thought.  Otherwise, count me in!"
kef: Me?  Arrogant?  And the apartment-cleaning bit is classified under the "comfortable nesting area"!

Lightnin' Charlie:

"I am looking forward to you getting more and more idiotic with every new installment."
kef: Well then, you have the right attitude for this whole venture!  I'm absolutely positive that I'll fulfil that expectation.

Brandy wrote in with the question:

It looks like you are starting a second career as a handy man.  Did you really paint the entire house?  If so, you are definitely working too much.
kef: We didn't finish the whole house, but hopefully we will Monday.

    Still no real questions and I'm gonna skip the rant this time too!  I'll make up for it in the long run!  I'm also going to post my essay on procrastination on the web site, as opposed to including it in the newsletter, so look for that soon.

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

    As always, certain portions will be edited from the version archived to my website, which is located at http://www.kefields.com/randramb.html